Outburst

My midwife called a couple of hours ago. She had the results of Kai's autopsy.

She read through the results on the other line - lungs, normal, heart, normal, kidneys, normal, spleen, normal...she didn't finish reading it all because by that time tears had started rolling down my face (I thought I've no more tears to cry this month but I guess I was wrong...) and it felt like a heavy load was dropped on my chest. My heart ached as a deep-seated sadness hit me and shook me to the core. My voice quivered and no matter how I tried to keep it together and listen to the rest of the results, I just can't.

I passed the phone to my husband.

My poor, poor child. There was nothing wrong with him, he had developed into a healthy baby. My body nourished him so well. But why am I so upset? Why am I so sad at the fact that all his organs were normal and had functioned well when he was in my womb?

Why?

It's just that I realized the enormous loss. Not just to us as his parents. But to Kai who didn't have a chance at a healthy and long life. He didn't have an opportunity to use those normal organs to the fullest as a living baby and grow up to be a kid, an adult, an old man. And the thought makes me so frustrated and angry at what he had been dealt with. He was almost ready to be born into this world but his life was taken away so easily from him without warning.

I just want to go hike up a mountaintop and have a huge tantrum. I want to let out a blood-curdling scream and curse god, the universe or whoever the fuck is running this freak show called Life. I want to cry and scream and curse until my eyes can't cry anymore, until my throat gets hoarse, until I ran out of curse words to say. I want to rip my hair out in anguish. I want to grieve for my son who won't be able to grieve for that loss. I want to shout my protest at the unfairness of it all.

Damn you, whoever you are, why don't you just smite us and be done with it?! Stop toying with our lives! Stop giving us grief! Stop killing our healthy babies! You sick, unfair bastard!

It's so hard to accept that our son, whose perfectly healthy body has now been reduced to ashes, died for no apparent reason. It's just so damn hard.