I found out that a friend of mine has safely given birth.
Part of me is relieved that she was able to take a live and healthy baby home and is now enjoying her motherhood. But another part of me (the bigger part) is filled with envy and sadness. It's an awful feeling and I wish I'm not in this dark place.
I've been sort of hiding from this friend. She sent me several text messages during the time I was being induced. Given the circumstances that I was giving birth to my dead baby, I didn't reply. After a week, she sent another message asking how I am and the baby. Given the circumstances that I was in the throes of despair, I didn't reply.
I told my husband not to tell her the news about our Kai yet, since she was about to give birth to her own son. I didn't want her to worry and be afraid of her pregnancy. But now that she had her baby, my bad news seemed obsolete and will most likely be overshadowed by her present happy circumstances. Dead baby news are so sad and boring these days.
I know I sound bitter. But who wouldn't? She's living the life I wanted and prepared for. She was successful at finishing the pregnancy race and got the coveted gold medal. And here I am, the friend who exchanged constant emails with her since our due dates are just a month apart, the friend who shared every pregnancy joys and pains with her, yes, here I am with nothing but tears and a broken heart.
Really how can I share in her joy when I can't stand the joy she's having?
The truth is, I just don't want to have anything to do with her anymore. I know I'm being such a pathetic excuse for a friend. But it's how I feel right now. I hate cliches but I can't help but say: "It's not her, it's me. There's something wrong with me. I'm the one who's having a freaking pity party for myself. I'm the one who has a dead baby."
Just seeing this on here and re-reading it, I'm totally convinced that I suck. Big time. And I feel this overwhelming guilt and shame, crawling up my skin. Like I've become the biggest dirtbag mama in the world. But you know what, I can't help it.
No matter how much I try, I can't fake happiness.
I'm sorry for such a bitter, selfish post. :(
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4 days ago
6 comments:
I have three friends who were due right around the time I was. All three have healthy babies. I was the last to deliver, and my baby died. I get the bitterness. I don't think you are a bad person. It may be a good idea to explain where you are at with the friend (maybe in a letter?) and let her know that it's not her, it's you. Or just let it go for now. You have to do what's best for you. Your grief is important and you need to give it the space and time it deserves.
This is what I've learned in the past 5.5 months...
You know what? You GET to feel like that. However you feel right now is okay. You don't have to take care of anyone else's feelings right now. Because if NOW isn't about you and your despair (and that of your close family -maybe- ), then when is? It is about YOU right now and that is as it should be.
Grief needs nurturing too. It is more demanding, time consuming, emotionally and physically draining and downright soul sucking than any newborn ever was. And if you don't give it it's due and tend to it now; it will bite you in the ass when you least expect it.
Of course you don't suck. You are not a bad person. You are allowed the biggest pity party in the world. Let yourself have these feelings please.
It's only been a little over a month.
I would be far more worried about someone who was able to feel joy for others that soon after birthing a dead baby.
If you can't be around them, then don't be. People should be there for you right now. You only have to be there for yourself and maybe your husband right now.
Sometimes you have to put friends aside for your own sanity. As long as you are not being actively hurtful, their feelings are not your responsibility.
When you are ready to deal with other people and their living babies again. Those that should be there will still be there.
Take good care mama. This hurt is too much without adding to it.
you don't suck, sweetie, and if she's truly a good friend, she will understand that you need some distance right now. i haven't yet had to deal with anyone else's new baby, but i have two co-workers pregnant and due within 2 months after i was, and i dread the days their babies are born. in a way, i also dread the day their news is spread throughout my school - everyone will be so happy for them, and i doubt it will occur to many of them that i will not be interested in hearing it.
It's not bitter, nor it is selfish. You have every right to feel that way. grief is different for each of us, but I know that one more than one occassion I have felt everything you are describing.
I have 2 sets of wonderful friends who were so great to us when we lost Cadynce (one is about to give birth and the other is about 9 wks pregnant after IVF) that I want so much to be happy for them, but I can't I am just not emotionally at a place where I can be happy for someone who is getting to have what should have been mine. I wonder every day why did this happen to me and when will it get better.
You just have to be gentle with yourself and not let those self-recriminations take over.
Wishing you much peace.
You don't suck...you are a grieving mom, and the jealousy and envy unfortunately is one of the crappy parts that come with losing a child. I have felt this way for about 3 years now, and it's even worse now that we have lost Bailey.
Be gentle with yourself...that's all you can do right now. ((HUGS))
You took the words right out of my mouth. It pains me to hear about or even see pictures of the babies that were born right around when Livy was born still. All of my friends that were pregnant with me are distant now (by my choice). I feel bad, but then, I think to myself...they should understand. I just can't handle all of that right now. I'm not sure when I will be able to, but until that time comes, I try not to stress it. It takes time, and there is no limit as to how much time...Many hugs.
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