My husband took me and the dog for a walk tonight. Yes, I had to be taken for walks these days less I turn into a 300-pound blubber trapped inside our bedroom. It used to be that we're worried about our Tobi getting too fat for his own good. Alas, he's been trim and fit and now we worry about me.
"Just tell me when you're ready," my husband said while he messed around with his laptop. I think he said that a couple of times but I wasn't really paying too much attention. I was in bed, watching a Netflix movie.
"When is that movie going to end?" he asked impatiently and this time I wondered why was he so antsy. "Well, the credits are rolling. Why?" I said, reaching for the remote. "I'm waiting for you to get done so we can go for a walk," he stood up and walked to the doorway.
"Oh," I replied tentatively. For a second I wanted to come up with an excuse like, "It's getting late, can we do it tomorrow?" Or to simply reject the idea altogether: "I don't wanna go."
But I'm sure he'll throw back at me the very words I emphatically said to him yesterday: "Hubby, you have got to remind me to get out of bed, walk outside and get some fresh air. No, make that FORCE me to get out of bed, walk outside and get some fresh air. And also, make me go with you when you take Tobi for a walk no matter what I say or no matter how I protest, okay?"
He just nodded.
Yet despite those words, I've been apprehensive about stepping out of our house lately. I was able to go out a couple of times during the first two weeks after Kai died. But during those times, I had no choice - the mortuary needed my signature, another blood work was ordered, the doctor's office had the pathology results. In all these places, nobody knew me. So it was easier to walk around, to wait, to engage in small talk or to simply be without commitment, without explaining anything.
But in our neighborhood, where people wave at each other when they go off to work in the morning, where people knock on your door to personally invite you to their party, where they stop what they're doing in their garage or front yard just to talk to you every time you walk by with your dog, it's a different story.
If I get out there, I feel it would be like walking in an area filled with landmines. And I can't deal with landmines right now.
I can't even imagine meeting them (or at least those who hadn't heard the news yet) unexpectedly in our walk and being asked the dreaded question: "How's the baby?" What will we tell them? HOW will we tell them? It will be tough for us to tell them the news about Kai without breaking down. I can see some very awkward moments, the mumbled I'm sorrys and sad faces. And us, feeling the intensity of our grief a hundredfold as we walk away.
I felt panic at the pit of my stomach. I'm not ready, I thought desperately. My husband took my hand. "We don't have to walk on our street," he said gently as if he had read my mind. "Let's take a different route."
I was relieved. "Yes, let's take a different one. For now."
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3 comments:
so glad you're getting out. and i can totally relate to the way anonymity helps sometimes. there are moments when it helps so much to think no one around me knows what happened - and then there are moments when i think everyone SHOULD know, and i find myself wanting to tell perfect strangers that my baby is dead. maddening, sometimes.
I felt the same way. Finally, after 3 months our next door neighbor (hugely pregnant) asked. I purposely his on the other side of the yard awhile DH simply answered "he didn't make it." I had so dreaded that interaction and was so glad he was there to answer. A few weeks ago I ran into the next door and across the street neighbors. With newborn. I stood on the sidewalk and cried like an idiot while I held that baby and startled every time she moved. My neighbors were so thoughtful and kind and really supported me through that very painful interaction that I had been building up a huge dread about.
I admire you for talking that walk. I admire your husband for really listening to you and following through. If he will, it might help to have him explain to nosy neighbors while you wander off a few steps ahead.
This is a great post. I like how you said your husband has to "take you out for a walk," that's exactly how I felt that first month or so. My husband would force me to leave the house at least once a day. All I wanted to do was watch Netflix (I watched 10 seasons of Law and Order SVU...) sit on the couch, and eat Cheezitz. Give me a rum and diet, and that was even better.
I remember the first time I took the dogs on a walk without my husband. I was so scared I was going to have to talk to people. And I did. But it wasn't as bad as I thought. It seems like the anticipation is always worse than the reality.
You'll get there. Keep writing. You're really great with words.
Xoxo
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