Five Years - Remembering Kai's Birthday in 2015

I love you, Kai, to heaven and back.

It's been a while since I posted something in this blog. But it doesn't mean that I have abandoned this space or have forgotten about it. This place is sacred to me. It is where I struggled and battled with my grief. It is where I found kindred spirit. It is where I found release and yes, peace, from the most terrible thing that happened to me as a person, as a human being, as a mother.

Once in while, I look back at what I wrote here. Not out of nostalgia but of remembrance and reconciliation. Remembrance because all the thoughts I wrote on here contained the love I feel for Kai. Reconciliation because my grief then and my grief now both coexist in my present life.

Someone wrote that after a long time, grief will become that pebble in your pocket that sometimes you forget it's there. Amid the busy-ness of life, you find yourself feeling normal and able again as if you've never had it. But once in a while, you put your hand in your pocket and feel the pebble. It shocks you, it brings you back momentarily. But deep down, you know it's always there all along. You just learned how to live with it.