Homecoming

We finally picked up Kai's ashes at the mortuary yesterday. My husband offered to just pick it up himself after work. But I wanted to go with him. Like everything related to Kai, this was something we need to do together, too. It's our way of 'parenting'.

A few days ago, in between watering our plants in the front yard, I thought that we had to get Kai's ashes soon. I felt guilty for letting it languish in the mortuary for three weeks. "He should be home with us," I thought. Believe it or not, I was able to stop myself before I can tag on the word, 'alive', on that one. What I couldn't stop was the tears.

Anyway, we drove to the mortuary early enough to avoid rush hour traffic. I was worried all throughout the drive. We haven't gotten an urn for his ashes and we didn't pick one from the mortuary. "I hope they won't give his ashes to us in a tupperware. Or else, I'll go seriously ballistic on them," I told my husband.

"They're not going to give him to us in a tupperware. It's not like he'll be treated like a party leftover," he said in a tone he usually uses when I tend to exaggerate things. "I'm sure they will be more respectful than that. Besides, the funeral coordinator reassured me they'll provide us a utility urn."

This somewhat eased my worry. When we got to the mortuary, the coordinator handed us a green canvas bag. I inspected its content right away and was relieved to see the black plastic utility urn inside. It was good to see that the remains of my son was treated with dignity. As his mother, I won't accept anything less.

------------

After the mortuary, we went to a Cost Plus World Market and bought a shelf where we could place Kai's temporary urn, memory box and photos. We've been keeping his things on top of a dresser in our room but it was getting crowded and cluttered.

The shelf in Kai's corner. We placed it in our bedroom so that we can see it everyday - when we wake up in the morning and when we go to bed at night. It's comforting to know that his things have this special place in our home.

The black box is the temporary urn the mortuary provided us. Some pink roses from our front yard. Kai's amber octopus lamp, which we got from a shop at Carmel-by-the-Sea, CA when I was five months pregnant. Kai's name means ocean and so we bought ocean-themed decor for his room. The Willow Tree angel figurine with the seashell serves as a guardian angel. Then a starfish courtesy of Sandi, a seashell artist I found on Etsy.

Kai's memory box from the hospital. A framed ultrasound picture of our little Lumpy. It was taken when he was in a transverse lie position at 37 weeks. A candle and sheep from the HAND (Helping After Neonatal Death) support group meeting my husband and I attended this month. And a hand-carved wooden box.

Another one of Kai's memory box. It contains the little outfit, knitted hat and stuffed heart he was photographed in when he was born at the hospital. Too bad the knitted blanket won't fit in it so I'll just have to put it in a shadow box frame one of these days and hang it on the wall. I purchased the box from Sandi's Shellscapes on Etsy. It's a nice box, a bit gothic, but the shells on the lid makes it a perfect box for Kai. Sandi gave me two freebies--a little art card that says, "In Memory of Kai", and the starfish ornament.

------------

We're glad to have Kai's ashes with us. But it was tough to put together this 'special place' for our son's things. Tears came as we busied ourselves with the task. My husband assembled the shelf with tears in his eyes, while I sobbed silently as I gathered Kai's things and looked them over. This isn't the kind of homecoming we envisioned for our beloved son. We planned something grand and happy for him when we bring him home from the birthing center. Not this somber and gloomy shrine building.

But this is what we have now. The only things we have of him that are tangible and visible. So we'll make the best of what we've been left behind in order to honor and remember him.

We love you, Lumpy. And welcome home.