Coming Undone

I haven't been paying mindful attention to our day-to-day living lately.  It used to be that I'm on top of everything. I keep tasks organized, updated and completed on time. But now, I don't pay attention to details and I forget stuffs that need to be done for our household and our life to run smoothly. Or 'normally'.

Today I found out that I forgot a couple of bills that should have been paid a week or so ago. If I hadn't sorted, opened and read a month's worth of snail mails, we won't have electricity, water or gas. Even the Internet (which is our lifeblood since my husband and I both need it for work) would have been disconnected.

And then, there's the neglected household chores--the laundry, the vacuuming and dusting, the bathroom cleaning, the clothes ironing, the dishwashing, the cooking, etc. It really is a good thing my mother-in-law came for a visit last weekend and cooked a bunch of 'real' food for us (again) or else we would be subsisting on cereals and brownies (again!) for weeks.

It's only now, after a month or so, that I've started to acutely notice how disorganized our life has become when Kai died. Our priorities got screwed. Our motivation gone. It's like nothing matters anymore, nothing is urgently important. 

But reality has a way of reaching out and grabbing you by the scruff of your neck. It will slap you in the face to let you know who's boss. Even in the midst of your grief, it will not let up. It will demand your attention.

"The mortgage needs to be taken care of," it says. "Or you'll have no house." "Bills need to get paid," it says. "Or you'll have necessities taken away from you." "Debts need to be serviced," it says. "Or you'll have higher interests." "You may be grieving the loss of your child," it says. "But life goes on, you know."

Indeed, everything comes undone before my eyes but life (in all its horridly pleasant glory) still goes on.