Missing and Wanting

This morning I broke down. The first time I fed our pets (a dog and two cats) on my own since Kai died. And I broke down.

Random memories hit me when I was in the middle of scooping wet cat food onto Mina and Momo's bowls. I remember I hated the stench of cat food when I was pregnant with Kai. Just a small whiff and I'd go running to the nearest sink and puke my guts out. It became so bad I had to feed them outside, in our backyard, making sure the wind was not in my direction (we live on a hill and it's windy all the time).

Another memory. During the last months of my pregnancy, my belly was so heavy and huge I had a hard time reaching food bowls and getting their food out of the lower cabinets. So I do things really slowly and of course, our pets didn't like the wait. As soon as I go out in the backyard with their food, I'd be greeted with urgent meows and impatient whinings. Kai would move and kick inside me as if to tell me, "See, mommy you're being slow."

I cried silently. The dog and the cats gave me solemn looks as I struggled to finish this one chore. I'm sure they are just anxious for me to get done and give them their food. I wonder if they knew that someone is missing, that Kai is not here.

And amid the stink of cat food, the insistent meowing and whining, I realized how badly I want my child here with me.

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I Wanted so Much For You

I wanted so much for you, my sweet little baby.
I wanted to change your diapers, not my life.
I wanted to nurse you, not my grief.
I wanted to dress you up, not bury you down.
I wanted to hear the sounds of you crying for me at night,
    not my own sounds of crying for you,
       my innocent, misconceived baby.

I wanted to see you grow, not the grass upon the grave.
I wanted to see you asleep in the crib, not in the casket.
I wanted to give you life, not death.
I wanted to show you off, not alone go on.
I wanted to comb your fuzzy hair, not save a lock of it.
I wanted to pick up after you, not put down my dreams for you.
I wanted to hold you in my arms, not this doll.
I wanted to walk you late at night, not my fears.
I wanted so much for you,
     my newly born, newly gone--child.

I wanted so much more
I wanted so much
I wanted
I wanted you.

By Maria LaFond Vischer for her daughter, Kristina. (From Empty Cradle, Broken Heart by Deborah L. Davis)