Peace

“If you cry because the sun has gone out of your life, your tears will prevent you from seeing the stars." - Rabindranath Tagore

I am here wide awake. It's the birth of Christ. It's the BIRTH of Christ.

It cuts me to the very core of my soul. How can I celebrate this birth when I am mired in grief over my own child's birth/death?

How fortunate is he who had survived and came into this world, so alive and well. "Joy to the world, the lord has come," as the song goes. So many rejoice at his birth. But who rejoices at the birth/death of our little ones?

As much as I want to see today as an event to be thankful that a savior was born to pave the way for a heavenly afterlife where we could be together with our babies, I am struggling. My heart cannot see the glory of it all.

My Zion is nowhere to be found because I am lost. I am crying inside. My son, my sun, is gone. The star, I cannot see it. My vision blurred by so much sadness. I miss Kai so much today. I wish for a millionth time that he is here. Does God listen at all?

I feel hopeless on this day full of hope. My joy diminished, my faith unstable and flitting. Perhaps someday I'll be able to hold onto the promise that one day we, bereaved mothers and fathers, "will be happy forever, forever free from sorrow and grief."

For now, I am begging the universe to grant us all peace.