Let It Shine

Two hours before the end of this year and I'm watching a House episode. And it's about a newborn that experiences breathing problems and liver failure. The opening scene is actually a mother giving birth to the baby and then doctors present suddenly went alert. The scene cut to them trying to resuscitate the baby. Then cue: House intro music.

I know it's a scene that a babyloss mother shouldn't really watch. Like I don't have enough to fear about having another baby. But I'm feeling masochistic and hopeful. Perhaps in this episode, the baby lives. I shall see in about 45 minutes or so. In the meantime, I blog and watch and wait for 12 midnight all at the same time.

As for the hubby, he's taking a nap or maybe he has decided to sleep off the end of the year. Either way, I'll definitely wake him so he can watch the fireworks on TV with me. We usually drive to San Francisco to watch the fireworks at the pier. We've been doing it for three years in a row but this year we decided to change our new year plans. We are not in a celebratory mood after all.

Usual celebrations aside, the end of 2010 presents not just a clean slate but a time to look back. I'm not used to a recap or review of my life. I take a long time to reflect on what every year of my life has been and after a long time of internalizing, I find it difficult to put them into words. I'd like to say that this year has been the best and the worst of my life, that it was a good and a bad one. But the thing is, a lot has happened, too much to process really, and to put it into a neat, tidy package is not easy. There's no summary for the joys, the dreams, the overwhelming love, the birth and death of a son, the grief, the longing, the lingering sadness.  It's just a whole mess.

My life has unraveled and I'm still in the middle of picking up the threads. But I'm not completely disabled because Kai, his life and continued presence in mine, has given me some of the brightest and most precious threads of all. All I have to do is to spin and weave them back into my life. One that I want my son to be proud of. Wherever he may be.

This blog has been a place where you've read how I'm picking up all those unraveled threads. There were times, I was tedious, dark and lonely. But there were also times, I was peaceful, accepting and even hopeful. I will still be picking up the threads but beginning next year I'll also start spinning and weaving them into our life with Kai as my light. He will not be left behind in this year.

Right now, we have a lighted candle in his corner. The glass containing the candle says: "Let it shine!" And by god, I will let him shine in 2011 and beyond!

May we all have a new year with our little lights 

shining on us forever.