An Exhausting Rant

Today is the first time in four months that I got so upset with a person. I usually get upset with the situation. In fact, I have a bad tendency to 'excuse' the behavior of the people who brought about situations that truly upset me. But today, I'm just so frakkin' upset with this person that I want to beat the living daylights out of her. I'm not a violent person and I don't believe that turning to violence will solve anything. But just this once I'd like to wring someone's neck and break it in two for my own evil satisfaction.

But I can't and I won't. All I could do is write about it. So I'm apologizing now if you find this post a bit out of my norm. It's going to be filled with rant and beliefs that I subscribe to so feel free to skip this entry altogether. I'm not asking for an ear right now, but I just want to release this toxic feeling and be rid of it. And the only way I can do that is to post it here on this blog. (I'm afraid my left hand isn't fast enough to catch up with my thoughts if I handwrite it down on a paper journal.)

Anyway, the person I'm referring to is our next door neighbor. Not the divorcee I wrote about in this entry before but the neighbor to our left. They're a couple with a wiener dog (the breed of the dog escapes me right now, but it's a small dog that's shaped like a hotdog if that makes any sense at all...). They've been in our neighborhood for seven years and we've met them when we had our housewarming party last year. They seemed to be nice and decent folks. As far as I know they don't have any children.

So the woman called me when I was at the gym and left an urgent message. I didn't think much about it until I was getting ready to go home. I checked my voicemail and she left a message saying something about our cat, Mina, being with her. She added that our cat looked sickly, dehydrated and hungry. She sounded so incredulously exasperated about all this.

To give you a background, we have three pets - a basset hound, Tobi, a Maine coon cat, Momo, and an American shorthaired cat, Mina. Of the three, Mina is the oldest. She's pushing 15 and she has hyperthyroidism. She prefers the outdoors and has bonded with Tobi so much that they eat and sleep together. Momo, on the other hand, is our self-proclaimed princess. She doesn't get along too well with the other two, but she 'tolerates' them in her presence as she's wont to do.

I called the woman back and asked her about our cat. Is she alright? Did she get run-over? I was so worried. But the woman saw it fit to give me a lecture and proceeded to tell me how much of a bad pet owner I was. She bordered on accusing me of neglecting Mina by saying, "Oh look at her, she's sickly and dehydrated, I gave her dog food and she gobbled them all up in a hurry. It looks like she hasn't been fed or given water for days!"

And there I was explaining to her that Mina has hyperthyroidism and the symptoms of that disease is the increase in appetite and water intake. I told her we have set out dry food for her (which Tobi doesn't eat, thank goodness) and a big, filtered water dispenser, which she shared with Tobi. Her disease is being managed by low doses of Tapazole. But the woman kept insisting that I've been remiss in my duty as caretaker of my cat. "Well, the way she ate and drank just now it's hard for me to believe that you have food and water set out for her," she said haughtily. "If the cat's quality of life is like this, don't you think you ought to have her put down."

The polite person in me suddenly disappeared and I just snapped. "You know, what gives you the fucking right to tell me what I should and shouldn't do with my cat. You don't know me and you don't know my relationship with this cat and you don't know how much we've done to provide for this cat to have her live her life," I said.

"Maybe it's your way to take your dog to the vet if he catches an illness and have him killed, but it's not mine. I won't have my pet be put down just because it has an incurable disease or because other people think its quality of life has deteriorated. How the hell do you know that huh? Do you have a radar that can tell you if an animal wants to live or die already? My baby just died and I won't have one of my pets killed just because you or a vet tells me it's better that way, that it's for the best!"

The woman became silent on the other line. After all her bullshit rantings, she finally realized that she was talking to a next door neighbor. THE next door neighbor who lost her son four months ago. Yes, THAT Jennifer. She apologized and told me how sorry she was about the whole thing. But by then the damage has been done, the trigger has been pulled and I was just so fucking upset with her.

How dare her to be so quick to judge without knowing the story behind our cat's predicament. She simply chose to get on her high horse and be a self-righteous bitch first. She even had the gall to say, "I wasn't judging you. I don't even know you" to which I acidly replied, "Really? You're tone of voice and the indignant way you're coming off to me is judgment enough. And yes, you're right you don't know me. So stop telling me what to do for my beloved cat."

I told her my husband will pick Mina up from their place and turned off the phone. I cried my eyes out immediately after that. I cried there at the parking lot of the Y like a long-lost kid her parents forgot to pick up. I was so angry and upset with this insensitive woman. She ruined a perfectly good day. And we all know how few and far between good days are for us bereaved mothers. I managed to call my husband, told him everything and have him get the cat from the not-so-nice neighbor. I could tell he was worried when he told me to take my time coming home. "Make sure you're calm when you drive home okay," he said. I agreed and waited a couple of minutes to regain my center before heading back home.

Now some of you may have pets of your own that you love dearly. And I know that we hold different views as to how we approach a life-OR-death decision when our fur kids are involved. They are, after all, part of our family. It's our responsibility to care for them, love them and perhaps, decide for them when their illness has impeded the way they're living. I respect whatever decision any pet parent makes for the sake of their pet because it's one of the hardest things to do in this life.

I, for one, chose to let Mina live out her days in our home, with us. I know there's nothing to be done medically for her anymore except to keep up with her pills. She's comfortable where she is, she has bonded with Tobi to the point where they both sleep together in his dog house, she can still climb up fences, she likes hanging out with us on the lawn when we're doing yard work. She meows loudly to inform us it's time to eat and she won't stop until the food is promptly served. She competes for attention. She waits in the driveway and greets us when we get out of our cars. She's a fighter and she's living her life as she sees fit.

To simply decide to have her put down just because of her incurable illness is difficult for me. She's not on a respirator, her limbs still work, her breathing is not labored. How can I decide to have her killed when everyday I see her trucking on with her life as usual? When we lounged on the grass, how can I ask her - do you want to live or die today Mina? Other people say if the quality of life deteriorates, then you should euthanize your pet. Who's the judge of that? The vet? How can they determine such a life? How can they be sure that it's what the animal wants? Sometimes we, humans, are so righteous about our dominance over animals that we take it upon ourselves to decide who lives or who doesn't.

Mina is dear to me. You know the saying a cat chooses its people, well, she did just that. She has been my constant companion when I emigrated here in the US seven years ago. She has helped me get through the homesickness and isolation by her loving presence. When she was diagnosed with hyperthyroidism five years ago, one vet immediately suggested we put her down, "It's easier that way and more convenient for you." We were aghast. Convenience? To have her dead would be convenient for us?! This is a life we're talking about here, we said, not some discarded piece of equipment.

It's a LIFE. It's Mina's life and I value it as much as I value my own. And I leave it up to her to decide how and when she will go. I'm sure when that time comes, she will show me a sign. In the meantime, I'm happy that she still enjoys watching birds fly in our backyard, gently snoring with Tobi on a warm pillow and quietly sitting with me on the grass during clear, sunny days. I'm happy that she's still here.

*P.S. I'm emotionally exhausted from all this. I don't have the wherewithal to read arguments about which is better - to euthanize or not to euthanize. Like I said, I just want to put this on here and be rid of the dark feelings it has brought to the surface. I know Mina will someday pass on (and believe me I have cried about that out-of-the-blue in our family room a year ago, which made my husband confused and sad. "Um, hunny, why the tears? She's not even dying right now."). What I'm saying is that I carry a lot of grief with me and to have to face a confrontation suggesting the 'elected elimination' of one of our family members is too much for me today. But thank you for reading this whole rant and for allowing me to simply be. On a lighter note: here's a link to Mina's catster page. Yes, she has a social networking website. What? Do you think I'll let her fall behind such a technological breakthrough. ;) Haha.