Remembrance

Tomorrow our HAND support group will host a Service of Remembrance to celebrate the memories of our lost babies. The service will have music, poetry readings, and a potluck meal. So today my husband and I were busy making our preparations.

I volunteered my husband's vegan brownie for the potluck. Kai and I loved them when I was pregnant, especially when my husband served them a la mode. My little one and I would dance our happy dance every time we ate these brownies. So I feel it's only fitting that we bring them to the event since it has a special meaning for us.

We also plan to read something during the event. I'm thinking of sharing my Heart-to-Heart blog entry, while my husband decided to write a poem. But he didn't want to read it himself so chances are I'll be reading that one, too, unless our kind midwife and friend agrees to do it. Earlier, I asked him if he had finished his poem and he said he was still working on it. "I'll make the brownies first. They are easier," he said.

We shortly discussed who's reading what. I made an attempt to convince him again to read his poem, but he begged off. My husband is both quiet and shy. He'd prefer to be in the background, observing rather than be in the limelight. For him, standing in front of people and reading his poem is tough enough, but to be standing there and reading a poem in remembrance of his dead son will be too much.

A few nights ago, he confessed that if he reads his poem, his tears will surely come and he won't be able to finish it. I understood. I, too, have the same fears. Would I be able to read the whole blog entry without shedding a tear or will I be a basketcase during and after it? I really don't know. But deep inside, I feel the need to let people know we are there to remember Kai. "Don't worry, hubby. I'll read it for you or maybe we can request Tenaya to read it for us," I said gently.

We also plan to wear our new "I am the Face" t-shirts from Iamtheface.org. Woohoo! I read all about it on Angela's blog and thought, "What a good way to let people know of the campaign and also to wear it as a memorial t-shirt for Kai on the Service of Remembrance." I immediately ordered one for me and one for the hubby. I thought they won't be delivered in time for tomorrow but to my surprise and delight, they arrived last Thursday. Good thing Zazzle.com (the website that facilitates the ordering and shipping of the shirts) was in our neck of the woods. I had Kai's name, angel date and a yellow starfish printed on the back. It turned out really nice. Go Team Kai...Edward! *(^_^)*

Also, I turned to my crafty side while my husband baked the brownies. I took out my polymer clay supplies and started kneading and molding. I bought a mold of sea creatures from Michael's a few days ago and thought about making memorial pins. Maybe a turtle, a seashell or a starfish with Kai's name on it. Does it sound like I'm going all out with stuffs here? I can't help it. This will be one of the times I get to be creative for my son. There will be no Halloween costume-making for him, no craft projects to work on together or sandcastles to build. So I'll go all out and I imagine I would do it all over again every year.

Thank goodness my polymer clay experiments weren't disasters. Let's just say they turned out the way they should be. No weird shapes. No messed up clay.  Although, I botched one turtle in an attempt to imitate a patina of some sort. It didn't turn out the way I envisioned it. Meh. Anyway, here they are, the seaside beauties for Kai.