A Small Goal

Except for a persistent cough, I'm feeling better. My husband managed to convince me to go to the doctor a few days ago, mostly because he is unable to sleep because of MY stupid cough. The over-the-counter meds did little to silence it so I needed a stronger one. The doctor gave me a potent suppressant and an antibiotic.

I skipped the antibiotic. These things stay in one's system for ten days. And I can't have it in mine when I'm scheduled to get my blood drawn for iron, protein tests and blood clotting disorders next week. These tests are part of the lab work intended to find out what happened to Kai. They may not give us a clear reason but I feel better knowing we've covered our bases.

Unfortunately, the suppresant only worked for a night or two. So I stopped taking it and just stuck to water, herbal tea, soups, homeopathic supplements and lots of Vitamin Cs. Daytime naps worked wonders, too.

But in the process of recovering, I postponed chores and procrastinated on things that needed to get done. Emails were left unanswered, bills left unpaid, mail left unsent. I just couldn't will myself to move my behind and accomplish the tasks at hand. I lacked focus and all I wanted to do was to take it easy.

Anyway, today I resolved to get organized and accomplish at least one small goal. I'm psyching myself up by starting with the little things first. If I tackle the big stuffs first, I have a tendency to drag my feet. I know, it's one of my bad habits.

One task is addressing the thank-you cards I've ordered from Shutterfly.com. When they arrived last weekend, I was anxious to send them out. It's been more than three months since Kai died and I haven't sent any thank-you cards to family and friends who sent sympathy cards to us.

I didn't care for etiquette or for sending thank-you cards during the first few weeks of our loss. I didn't have the heart to design the card, think up the appropriate wording for it and order online. It was just too much for me to handle. But now, I feel we're ready to reach out and send our gratitude for the love and support we've received.

I asked my husband if people would think it morbid that we are sending them a card with photos of our son. "Why would they be?" he asked. I showed him the card that has pictures of Kai's tiny hands and feet and our hands holding his. "I just remembered how little his hands were," he said, teary-eyed. "He had such tiny fingers."

I nodded and gave him a hug. "Well, if they think it's morbid, I don't really care. I will send this to them whether they like it or not," I said. I addressed every single one of the cards, wrote personal handwritten notes, and placed them in their envelops. They will all be stamped and sent out in the mail tomorrow morning.

Our family and friends would probably be jolted from their normal lives when they receive and open them in the comfort of their homes. Once more, they would be reminded of our loss and of Kai. Some of them may get sad all over again, while others may get annoyed. But like I said, I don't really care. This is our truth now. They either accept it or not.