These days I find no words to write. I've been struggling with 'guilt' and it has left me wordless. I was browsing through Kai's photos for an online scrapbook I'm putting together and it hit me. How could I miss that he was in distress that Sunday afternoon after my acupuncture appointment? How could I let my guard down after more than 40 weeks of closely monitoring his growth? How could I have let my son down when he was almost here, ready to be born?
These are just a part of a laundry list of guilt questions that I try not to dwell on. But it's difficult. Guilt and grief are intertwined. They don't come around together much these days but when they do, they can be a brutal tag team. It feels like I'm in a headlock these days and I'm just waiting for the finishing move - a supplex or a clothesline from hell. For now, I know I've lost this round.
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4 days ago
6 comments:
(((Hugs))) I know what it's like to be wordless and to spiral endlessly in guilt. Sending you love and prayers.
I know that guilt trap. It is a very painful place to be stuck in. I hope it eases up for you soon.
Oh, Jennifer. That combination is awful. I've been there many times, and still find myself there on occasion. It's definitely not easy. Many hugs going your way! I pray that the coming days are a bit easier on you.
Just wanted you to know that I am thinking about you and I know this feeling you describe so well...It makes my heart ache to read your words. It is so hard and I hope that you are finding some peace. Sending you lots of love and hugs...<3
Just want you to know that you are thought of- sending so much strength to you sweet Jennifer.
I had missed this entry when you first posted it. The way you describe the combination of guilt and grief is so vivid. As if the pain of loss weren't hard enough, the feelings of guilt add an unbearable weight. I hope that you have been winning this week. My heart is with you and Kai always. <3
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