I Wish I Believe in Signs

We had a storm last weekend. It should have been a good time to stay home since rain would come in torrents and the roads would be wet and slippery. The weather channel even predicted thunder and lightning. But instead of staying indoors, I convinced my husband to go to Concord (about an hour and a half drive from our place) with me to check out a vintage paper fair.

We left looming dark clouds behind but when we were out in the freeway the rain poured down hard. It was almost zero visibility. I hate driving in a storm, I get spooked easy by splashes of water on the windshield caused by other cars. I know how to handle hydroplaning but I'd like to avoid it as much as I can. Good thing the hubby was the one driving. Although, his driving made me even more of a nervous wreck. I contemplated telling him to drive back home when we were almost halfway to our destination. Seriously.

But I calmed down a bit when the rains abated and the sun peeked out for a couple of minutes. We made a pitstop at a gas station and when we were heading back to the freeway again I saw this:

 

"Is that what I think it is?" I asked my husband, a bit doubtful. It was faint but I could see a familiar outline. "Yes," he said and proceeded to explain how rainbows are formed in the most scientific way. "I know all about that," I said, feeling disillusioned. Yes, disillusioned. I was half expecting my husband to say, "Oh a rainbow. Maybe it's a sign." Of course, he doesn't know what a rainbow means to a BLM. He may be a BLD but I think most of them don't know the terminologies we use in this community. I don't have any idea either when I first joined our sisterhood.

But then, I would have shrugged at that statement. I don't believe in signs. Hmm...let me clarify that, I only believe when it involves simple, non-life-changing matters. For instance, when I really wanted to get something and have to withhold my eager enthusiasm to buy due to finances or indecision, I'd say, "If it's still there when I get back next week, then it's a sign. It means it's really for me." But this is not actually about believing in signs per se, it's more about deferred gratification.

Sometimes I ask myself if I truly believe in signs before Kai's death. The kind where you invest earnest faith in. Maybe I didn't pay much attention to them or if I did it was probably in connection to trivial stuffs. Or maybe I just didn't believe in them. Period. Do I believe in them now? I wish I could say 'yes' with conviction. But I find it difficult to believe in anything anymore. It is what it is. For me, everything is just that these days.

A rainbow is nothing more than an optical and meteorological phenomenon that causes a spectrum of light to appear in the sky when the sun shines on to droplets of moisture in the earth's atmosphere. But why did I feel relieved and almost hopeful at seeing this rainbow last weekend? Was I expecting that God was giving me a sign about having a healthy, breathing baby to take home someday? Maybe just a little.

On the freeway, I saw a semicircular double rainbow - a larger, faint one and a smaller, vivid one underneath it. The smaller rainbow was a perfect arch with its beginning and end both visible. It was an awesome sight. The husband and I were stoked to see it. (You don't see this everyday especially in crowded cities.) The two photos taken using my camera phone didn't do it justice. I thought I had a video of it but all I recorded was my wacky reaction imitating the guy on this video that I remember Priscilla posted on her blog.

But like that guy in the video, I inwardly asked myself what does it mean? Should I open myself to signs and be hopeful, to believe again and have faith? When I was a kid, rainbows remind me of Noah's story and how God promised that he will not destroy the world with flood ever again. Back then, it gave me comfort.

For a little girl growing up in a tropical country where storms are harsh destroyers, a rainbow appearing in the rain clouds is a reassurance. It meant that everything will be fine, never mind if the storm brought on rampaging floods that obliterated lives and properties. The world will not end, my young heart believed steadfastly. And I felt relieved.

Now I long to go back to that little girl's unyielding faith of holding onto that promise and having hope again whenever a rainbow appears. Perhaps someday I will.