I've been losing sleep again lately. I thought I had my sleep pattern under control but these past couple of days, I go to bed as late as 4AM the next day. It seems like I'm back to sleepless nights, the kind brought on by my grief over losing Kai.
After he died, I laid in bed wide awake, my brain refusing to shut-off, my eyes continuously wet with tears. I was so exhausted but my mind and my body refused to rest. During those first two weeks, I took medication that would knock me out completely. It was powerful stuff. So powerful that if the house was on fire, my husband would have to carry me out. But it did its job. It gave me dreamless sleep.
But I didn't want to rely on it for too long. It was efficient yet dangerous in my opinion. So I willed myself to sleep regardless of my protesting brain and crying eyes. I found that crying my eyes out until I can't anymore was effective at bringing on sleep. The brain would just give in. It didn't really matter that I felt awful when I wake up in the morning. It did its job, too.
Now I'm back to being unable to sleep. And I've been trying to figure out what's happening. Is it the grief that was kept at bay by the medication rearing its ugly head? The one that I didn't face during those first two weeks. If it is, I should be crying. But these days, my tears are not flowing freely no matter how much I miss my son. I worry. Am I really grieving the way I should? Am I mourning my son less now? Is my love for him slowly diminishing?
These questions along with my impossible wishes, could-have-beens and what-ifs for Kai keep me awake every night. They invade my consciousness. But I will wait for it to pass. Even if it takes all night.
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4 comments:
Soon after Charlotte died a good friend told me something that gets me through my hardest moments. Now I'm going to pass it you: "Here's the thing about grieving - You can't do it incorrectly. You do what you need to, and take the time you need to take. You're grieving perfectly."
Kai knows you love and care for him.
I don't cry as much anymore. Every 3 or 4 days I have a big cry, but it's not every day like it once was.
I always feel a little crazed when I'm not sleeping. The days are not too bad most of the time, but nights are difficult to get through.
Thinking of you and sending love your way.
I agree with Angela that there is no 'incorrect' way to grieve. But that is what is so hard. I think I get the most amount of comfort from blogs like yours and other moms who are feeling the same way. I read your words and think, oh good someone else is feeling that way too.
After those few weeks, when life went back to 'normal' I felt bad the days I didn't cry, thinking similarly, does it mean I don't miss Oliver? But I know it doesn't and my love for him is not any less.
The nights are always the hardest, even still. I always lay awake in bed thinking through the same questions.
Thinking of you.
Grief is so complex, and everyone does it differently. There is no set timeline, and no set way to do it.
I too, still don't sleep very well. 3 1/2 months out, I am still taking Tylenol PM every night to sleep.
I hope you have some restful nights soon. Sending you lots of love and lots of hugs!
the only thing that has kept me on any sort of normal sleep schedule since kenny died, while i was on leave, or since i've been on summer vacation from school, is the fact that ken gets up for work at 4am, and i eat breakfast with him and see him off. i usually go back to bed afterward, but getting up that early means i have to go to bed at a decent time. it doesn't mean i'm always able to sleep, but i've been grateful that i've maintained some sort of schedule - when i go back to school next week it will have paid off.
the could-have-beens and what-ifs are heartbreaking.
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