I'm feeling anxious. Tomorrow will be two months since Kai died.
I'm trying hard not to go into a 'what-should-have-been' mode of thinking. You know, like: "I should have a two-month old baby around," "My husband and I would have adjusted to the presence of a baby in our lives by this time," or, "It took us two months, but hey, we have gotten our parenting routines down pat. Hooray for us."
Really. I'm trying. But it's so damned difficult. It feels like a knife is stuck in my chest. I couldn't breathe, I hurt all over. I don't want to think of impossible things, of things that will never happen. It's futile.
My son is gone. Tomorrow he'll be gone for two months. Tomorrow will be exactly 60.8736998 days of sorrow, pain, longing for the son we lost. The stuck knife will be driven in a little further into my heart.
But just for today, I will give myself permission to think this one small thing: I just want Kai back.
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4 days ago
7 comments:
Oh hon, I wish I could take away all of the pain. And you don't have to give yourself permission to want your precious Kai back. You can think it all you want, because the truth is, we want our babies back. Not a day goes by that I don't have that thought. I want Bailey back.
I'll be thinking of you as you approach the 2 month mark. I wish you a little peace on this difficult day. Sending you much needed love and hugs!
It is a vicious circle. It is so hard not to think of the 'what-should-have-beens,'especially when there is a lifetime of them. I can only hope it gets a little easier each month. Thinking of you today and tomorrow. Hugs <3
Having spent yesterday flat on my back and absolutely miserable I know what you are feeling. I hope tomorrow is gentle and kind. The wishing and hoping is natural, but so hard. Thinking of you today and tomorrow. So sorry Kai is not in your arms.
Thinking about the should-have-beens is so hard yet it keeps our angels close in some ways. It is all so cruel. I hate that you are mourning your son instead of holding him in your arms. I am thinking about you tonight and will be sending special thoughts and prayers to you tomorrow. (((Hugs)))
This week, as I approach my 3 years "anniversary" of being in the dead-baby-club... I still feel the same knife. And on most days I give myself permission to miss him, just because that's what mothers do (and I can't help but).
Will be thinking about you and Kai today. Wishing that he could be in your arms... and wishing we could have all met in happier circumstances.
Thinking about you on this hard day. The what if's/should have's haunt me ALL the time. I can't help but think about those with our three. Our nephew was born one month after my due date with our first son and just started 1st grade this week. I, of course, started thinking about the fact that Jake would be doing the same thing. I don't think we can escape such thoughts. They will always be there. Just hold on to the memories you have of sweet baby Kai, and allow yourself to express your thoughts and emotions however it feels natural. Many thoughts and prayers going your way tonight...
i wish you had him back. i wish we all had our babies back.
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