06 August 2010
I Am But a Child
(Originally by Twila Paris, this version is by Gary Valenciano.)
Family and friends think I'm brave. I smile and make pleasant conversation through my grief. They tell me I'm recovering well considering it has only been less than two months since Kai died. They're happy and relieved.
But what they don't know is that when I go home, I feel the emptiness within me. When I talk to my son's ashes, I feel the heartbreak all over again. When I see the unused baby clothes, I think of what-could-have-beens. When I miss my child, I cry myself to sleep.
I'm not brave. Most of the time I'm paralyzed with fear. I'm not strong. I falter at my own weakness. Yet, I soldier on. Through God's grace, I survive. I live. Not only for my sake, but also for the love and memory my son has left behind.
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4 comments:
That song is absolutely amazing, Jennifer. Thank you so much for sharing. It completely hits home how we must "soldier on" and live the life of the "norm" in most cases, but how, the triggers and memories haunt us each day no matter what we do. I feel many of the same emotions...despite being 9 months removed. Thank you for living for the memory of Kai and sharing your story.
It is as if we are living in two worlds, one with a mask of healed grief and another of emptiness and isolation. Triggers and reminders are all around us, and we have to struggle to bring our two worlds together. I am thinking about you and beautiful Kai.
I'm amazed at how similar our stories are...we lost our babies around the same time and I too feel that I have to be a certain way for others in public, but then once I'm home, especially at night it's hard. Thank you for so beautifully writing how so many of us BLM's feel. As you said, by God's grace we are surviving.
i hate when people call me strong. they have no idea what goes through my head, or what goes on when no one's watching.
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