Endure It

I stood in the middle of the aisle, staring hard at the gamut of party favors, banners, hats, decorations. It felt like I was lost. Like in another dimension. The awfully cheery din of other shoppers faded in the background as I stood there, motionless. Alternately, staring and breathing hard. Staring and breathing hard.

A candle in the shape of a number 1. A colorful birthday banner. Happy 1st Birthday balloons.

I could feel my face contort and my eyes water. 'Shit. I should have done this last month or a few months ago.'

I willed myself to lookup lest the tears fall down uncontrollably. If I let it, I knew I would completely break down in that aisle, crashing like glass on the concrete floor. Heaving, gnashing, screeching like a mad woman amid strangers who know nothing.

Endure it, I said to myself as I grab hold of a Happy 1st Birthday balloon in the shape of a star.

Meanwhile, the grieving mother inside me screamed: "It's not fair. My son should be here to celebrate his first birthday. I can't take seeing all these things. There's nothing to be happy about, my son is gone! What's the use of all these? Nothing! Nothing at all!"

Endure it, I said to her in rebuke. "As long as I am alive, I will do this in his memory. No matter how painful it gets every time, Kai will always have his day. And I will honor it as I see fit!"

The grieving mother inside me wept helplessly like she did back when she knew her son was dead. I could feel her familiar despair gripped my heart, crushing every muscle, valves and veins in its wake. It hurt like hell.

Endure it, I whispered as I closed my teary eyes. Just breathe.

Slowly, the collective chatter of shoppers became louder and things went into focus once more. Having had my tears in check, I look like any other shopper in that aisle. Completely self-absorbed and seemingly undecided.

After a good couple of minutes, I finally picked up the few things I've chosen to buy and made my way to the register. I won't be back in that aisle for a long while.