Kai's Day in Hawai'i

Kai's birthday brownie baked by the hubby and brought to Hilo.

I've been contemplating what to do for Kai's day for quite some time. It's a heartbreaking milestone but I wanted to do right for my child. I thought of putting together a memorial service so my husband's relatives could attend but I'm not exactly too keen about the idea (besides, all of my family are living overseas, so it wouldn't feel 'complete' at all). Somehow, it felt a bit alien to me. Like I'm just doing it for the people attending and not really for my son. It has this doing-it-for-the-sake-of-it feeling that I couldn't shake off. So Dave and I shelved that idea.

We are not 'showy' people and by 'showy' I don't mean 'flashy' or 'making an attractive show.' What I meant is that we're not 'outwardly expressive' and that we are more comfortable being low-key with our grief, low-key with our remembrance. Now I don't have anything against a memorial service, I think it's a lovely idea and families who do it are an inspiration. But it wasn't for us at this time.

While I wanted to have family take part in our remembrance of Kai, I'm also trying to avoid the pitfalls of pressure like trying to make things perfect or thinking of 'meaningful' ways to get the significance of that day across to our family and friends. I felt organizing a service would lead me to focus more on making things right, perfect, flawless. And that is so far away from what I wanted the day to be all about. It should be about our boy and about us. Period.

On June 16, we found ourselves back to the Big Islands of Hawai'i because it's a very significant place for us when I was pregnant with Kai. It was where we went to our babymoon, where we decided to name him 'Kai' and where I fully felt the connection we have with him. It was where we had fun with him (even if he was in my belly at that time) and caught a glimpse of what our future travels would be like when he's born. It was a happy time and it was only fitting that we go back, reminisce and 'celebrate' Kai's day there, just the two of us with our son in our hearts this time around.

What did we plan for his day? Well, we wanted to scatter some of Kai's ashes on the Pacific Ocean at the Hawai'i Volcanoes National Park. And it wasn't as easy to do as we thought. First, it's illegal (so don't do what we did) and second, it was raining when we got there. So it was a covert mission and I'm sure Kai was probably shaking his head at his parents' shenanigan. Yes, had he lived he would have known that he has adventure-seeking-sometimes-law-abiding-fool-hardy parents. I really wonder what he would have thought about being 'stuck' with such 'uncool' parents. It makes me smile sometimes.

When we were driving down the Chain of Craters Road, the goddess Pele smiled at us and gave us some sunshine. I had a general idea of where we would stop and do our little ceremony for our son. At first, we wanted to go to the Holei Sea Arch (just before reaching the actual lava flow), but we decided against it when we saw there were too many tourists around. It wasn't really the atmosphere we were looking for, so we went back to the first turn out overlooking the majestic Pacific ocean, which was empty and peaceful.

The place was just right and we, fool-hardy, adventure-seeking, explorer-wannabe parents that we are, christened that place Kai's Turnout right away. I would like to mention (if you happen to visit the Volcanoes Park) that the turnout is quite a dangerous place, as the warning sign said: strong winds, unstable cliff, HUGE waves. But of course, it didn't stop us one bit because we're babyloss parents on a mission.

On the turnout, we took out the box that held some of Kai's ashes and the flowers we got for him in a Hilo flowershop. The winds were howling in our ears as we whispered to our beloved Kai. We whispered our birthday wishes to him, our tears as salty as sea foam. I threw the box and my husband threw the flowers. We watched in silence as they got swept away by the frothy waves. We continued to look on until they were no longer visible from our view. Then we stayed there for two hours or so just blowing rainbow bubbles. Or rather, we let the wind blow bubbles for our beloved little one. It was a very special day that filled our hearts with so much love, gratitude and acceptance. And perhaps, a little bit of courage to love life and face the world again.

Kai's Turnout. The only turnout before arriving at the Holei Sea Arch on the Chain of Craters Road.

The unheeded warning.

Kai's box and birthday flowers.

I designed memorial t-shirts for us to wear on that day. It has Kai's name and birthday on the front and e.e. cummings' poem, "i carry your heart with me" on the back. We wore it the whole day we were at the park.

The hubby, getting ready to toss Kai's birthday bouquet. He joked about throwing it like a bridal bouquet but changed his mind. The wind was so strong, we were afraid it might come back to us like a boomerang. Oh that would have been hilarious.

Having fun, blowing bubbles for our little one. Well, we didn't need to blow them, the wind did the job for us. There were a bunch of people who stopped at Kai's turnout to see what we were doing. Nobody asked us why we're doing it, they just smiled and took pictures of the cliff. Maybe I should have told them the place is called Kai's Turnout.

Love.

Gratitude.

Acceptance.

Dearest Kai, I know you watched over us that day. When we were looking at the big blue sea, I remembered how you love the sound of those waves. You danced in my belly whenever you hear it when we were there last. And so we imagined that your spirit was soaring, dancing and playing at the tips of those waves. How it uplifted our hearts to witness the majesty of this Earth. We would have wanted you to see it with us. But I guess, you have a better front row seat than we do and we should envy you. Someday we will join you on that front row seat and look at the world together and never part. We'll exchange adventure stories with you then. For the meantime, we will live in love, gratitude and acceptance in your memory. Happy 1st birthday, Lumpy.