but in rising up every time we fail.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
Sorry if this quote is a bit in-your-face. I need to see it on here - big and bold. If there's a way to make it light up and blink brightly, I'd probably do that, too. I just want to be reminded of these words every time I hit rock bottom with this grief. Yes, almost 9 months out and I still feel like I epic-ly failed my son. I don't go there often but sometimes it comes to me and I am powerless to stop it. Even if I shout "I did the best I could," it still rears its ugly head.
But I'm slowly rising up after wallowing from these broken emotions. Scars and bruises revisited. Who was it that said there's no way out of this grief but through it? I've read that a lot in different places, said by different people - always different wordings but same, exact meaning. I know my grief will never truly go away (it exists with me - inside and out) but I hope someday it would be a bit lighter to bear.
Thank you for the kind words, dear mamas. Thank you for holding my space for me.
5 comments:
I'm sorry you're feeling so overtaken by grief right now. It is so hard to stop blaming oneself for a pregnancy loss. I know for me it has to do with the fact that in every other area of my life, if I don't get what I want it usually means I messed up or didn't work hard enough. Unfortunately, babyloss is out of our control.
You are a wonderful mother, and you did the best you could with the knowledge that was available to you at the time. I'm sure you did.
Thank you for sharing this quote. It really speaks to me right now, too. And thank you for your kind words on my blog. (((Hugs)))
I think one of the cruelest emotions of grief might be the guilt. I am so sorry those feelings are so heavy right now. You are and have always been an incredible mommy to Kai. And you always will be. The ebbs and flows of grief will surely become less volatile over time, but none the less they will always be there. This quote makes me think of rising from all the hurt and pain that seems so raw when grief is in its cruelest flow. My heart is with you and Kai! Sending you love and support!
I don't know what it is about this grief that is so utterly impossible at times. I too have heard there is no way out, but through it. However, sometimes I feel as though it takes too damn long. Sometimes I feel as though I am grieving wrong because it just shouldn't hurt this bad still. All my love to you mama and holding Kai dear to my heart.
It is certainly true that there is no way around grief, only through it but I wish there was. I don't know that we will ever be all the way through our grief journey...someone once told me, to stop grieving is to stop loving. We will always grieve and mourn for our sweet babies, I just hope that in time the hurt will be less sharp and something that has just become a part of us and our life. Lots of love to you and sweet Kai!
Love the quote - thanks for posting it! I hate the guilt that can so easily overtake us after the loss of our babies. Much love to you. I hope the days ahead are gentle on you!
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