Nine

Today, all projects will be halted, emails and phone calls will be unanswered, errands and chores will be rescheduled for tomorrow. I will do nothing today because today is Kai's 9th month anniversary.

Unlike his previous 7th- and 8th-month anniversaries, I planned for this day to be a day solely for my son. It's not that I didn't think about him or I didn't get a chance to memorialize as I should in the previous two. I did some things but my attention was too divided than I would have liked.

Back then the busyness of 'normal' life caught me off guard. I took on a hectic project and felt like I've bitten more than I can chew. I seriously found myself trying to keep on top of everything and then barely getting things done. I hate it. So I made sure I get this day for myself and my son beforehand. This is his day and mommy will not allow any distractions to get in the way.

So I started Kai's day by lighting a candle in his corner this morning. Then I went online and donated to the Japanese Earthquake and Tsunami Relief via the Red Cross in his memory. I've been religiously following the news about these disasters since Friday. It's so heartbreaking to know that a lot of people died in this tragedy.

As I was making the donation, I happened upon a Japanese mother who gave birth during the tsunami in the news. She said after giving birth, she felt so guilty and cried because there were so many who have died. But she was also relieved that her baby made it alive. I was also relieved for her. This reminds me of the circle of life for some reason. Some die while others are born. (Hmm...maybe I should add the word 'alive' at the end of this sentence, too.)

I wonder if Kai is busy somewhere helping out the poor souls of all the newly-deceased. It sounds weird but I'd like to think that he's bringing some comfort to the people who, like him, unexpectedly left this earth too soon. I feel a welling of motherly pride when I think about it.

The next thing I did is to re-plant all the ranunculus flowers we bought last weekend. They are all for Kai's garden, which is in dire need of actual gardening love and caring. You see, when I was six or seven months pregnant with Kai, my husband and I bought three rectangular planters and filled it with flowering plants and baby's breath. "It would bloom just in time for Kai's birth," we both thought happily back then. But when Kai died, we neglected it so much that the flowers were all eaten by snails and the baby's breath grew out of control, taking over the whole thing like ugly weeds.

So I cleaned out the planters and planted the small flowers. We bought four colors - white, pink, yellow and orange. We also got garden tool angels and ceramic figurines to decorate the planters. As I work, I talked to Kai. "You would have been 9 months today, Lumpy," I said. "I wonder if you would like seeing the flowers and the cute figurines. Or maybe you would rather pull on Tobi's ears."

[Btw, our basset hound was my only constant companion in this task, sniffing the plants and pawing at the soil. But at one time, he pee-d on the box where the plants were placed before, good thing I moved them out of there. Not really a lot of help eh?]

The sky was overcast but it wasn't too cold outside so I was able to finish the planting. I don't really have a green thumb so I whispered to the flowers to grow healthy before I placed them in our front porch. "Grow healthy, Kai would love it if you guys grow and multiply," I said. I would have to get a slug and snail repellant tomorrow to keep them from getting eaten by snails, though. Here are some pics of my handiwork:

After planting Kai's garden, I went to Michael's and shop for some Easter stuffs I would put in his corner. I found a little angel statue reading a book, which I think would totally go with his stepping stone the hubby and I made a few months ago. It was only last month that we've finally decided where to place it: also in our front porch where the ice plants are growing. I bought a blue butterfly that called to me. I wasn't going to get it but I kept passing by its aisle that I finally gave in. I wonder if Kai would like that, too.

Tonight we will read to Kai. We will take turns reading the book, "Wolves in the Wall," (written by Neil Gaiman) just like the way we read to him when he was still alive in my womb. It's the first book that gave us the opportunity to let him hear his parents' voices in unison. It's also the same book that gave us the feeling that we are a family. So it's only fitting that we read this book to him today on his 9th month anniversary, so he could hear our voices once again. So we can feel like a family once again.

We love and miss you very much, Kai. Always and forever.