Let me tell you about Daddy because today is his birthday. Do you know, he gave you the nickname of Lumpy? He would touch my belly and feel for the lumps that you make. He would then guess what parts of your body they were. He found endless amusement at looking how your 'lumps' move and said he couldn't wait to touch and kiss those 'lumps' for real. Like me, Daddy couldn't wait to meet you.
Daddy is a quiet man yet he knows when to speak his mind. He's what you call a geek because he likes electronics, engineering, technology, gadgets. But believe it or not, he also likes poetry and the arts. Despite having a logical mind, he is easily moved. Yup, Daddy is a softie and I bet he'll be a softie on you.
When Mommy was pregnant with you, Daddy attended a new Daddy group and that was on his own accord. He figured he should get prepared for a life with a new baby eventhough he's not used to sharing his 'feelings' in a group setting, especially among strangers. But he was able to do it and attend the meetings every month because he found great time conversing with new daddies and daddy-to-bes.
He said he learned practical parenting tips from the veteran daddies there. He got to hold a newborn baby one time and met a baby who knows baby sign language. He saw the baby communicate with her father by using sign language. She said she saw a flower on the wall and the father explained it to the other daddies what she's saying. They all looked up to see where the flower was because they couldn't see what flower she was referring to, but when they found it, they were all in awe.
Daddy related this incident to me with tears in his eyes, "That was a cool thing to see. Maybe we could try teaching Kai some baby sign language, what do you think?" See, like I said daddy's a softie geek. I think he gained a little confidence at the prospect of becoming your father, thanks to those new daddy meetings he attended. It made him more excited to meet you.
When we found out we lost you. He was as heartbroken and as devastated as I was. But he couldn't let his emotions get the most of him when there were doctors to talk to and family and friends to get in touch with. He felt so lost but he needed to function first for mommy was already lost in her grief for you.
But he held you when mommy was unable to. You know, the first time he held you he cried and said, "I never know how to hold a newborn baby." And I told him: "You're doing just fine, hubby. You look like Kai's daddy." He burst into tears. Even the social worker and the nurses who were there who visited us in our room were in tears when they saw him in that state.
Seeing you in Daddy's arms, made me realize how deep our loss had been. You would have had fun with him as he planned to take you hiking, camping and teach you woodwork and electronics. He would have shared his love of reptiles with you (even if mommy thinks that would be a bit germy and icky). He has a lot of love to give you and a lot of things he wanted to share with you. And I felt how Daddy had lost so much of his chance to become a father to you.
I remember during the days before we went to Hawai'i to commemorate your first year angelversary, he was so saddened and frustrated with his co-workers' attitude. They kept saying stuffs to him like "Oh how lucky you are!" "I'm so jealous!" and "Have fun!" All he could do was shake his head and look at them solemnly. "I can't believe these people have forgotten what happened to us one year ago. I mean, they even sent flowers and cards to us and now they think I'm going there for fun?!"
I had to gently tell him that people can indeed forget and that they, too, have their own things in their lives that's more important. So I suggested that maybe next time, he should just come out and be honest that it was your angelversary. But knowing him, he would rather not do it because he didn't want to deal with such reaction and non-reaction. It was just too upsetting to him.
But even now, a year and a half since you died, he still misses you a lot. He loves seeing your corner decked out for every season. He gets teary-eyed when friends, BLMs and not, would send their thoughts and gifts that are in remembrance of you. And today on his birthday, he wishes for a lot of things and among them is for you to be at peace and to continue watching over us in Heaven.
We love you always, dear one.
Forever your Mommy
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