Kai's Sibling

I know you will find this blog entry a bit of a surprise. I didn't mean to wait in the bushes and jump out of it with a clown mask on. Nor did I mean to throw a water balloon on you out of nowhere. (Is that enough metaphor to give trigger hints to those who are still on their TTC journey? My sincere apologies if it isn't enough to cushion the news. I have been there and I understand if you don't want to read this or to stop following my blog. To tell the truth, I don't know if people still read my blog. Perhaps, they have moved on to other things. I don't mind really. This blog is for me and for Kai. But I'll always be thankful for the connections I've made with other BLM friends because of its existence.)

As the title says, Dave and I are expecting Kai's sibling. I've hit 24 weeks or six months today and so I feel I'm ready to share my news on this blog. Remember when I said here that 2011 was not all bad, well, this is one of the good things that happened to us. I know I haven't talked about our TTC plans on this blog. It was one of the things that I decided to keep to myself since it proved to be not an easy time and as much as I try to write about it, I can't. Nothing came out. Only stress and a lot of sleepless nights.

When we finally got a positive, my reaction was more of fear first with the thought of: "How-the-hell-am-I-going-to-get-through-this-again?" It wasn't supposed to be the proper initial reaction to finding out that you got pregnant again. But being a baby loss mother took away that "jump-for-joy-I-can't-wait-to-tell-everyone-I-know-about-it" response from me. So I waited and I waited some more until I'm ready. It may be that I've become superstitious about the whole thing. It's really hard to explain.

How did I cope through all those months, you ask? I wrote in another blog, which is privately dedicated to my feelings, experiences and updates about this subsequent pregnancy. I came to that decision when I realized that I wanted to do things differently for this little one that would distinguish it from my pregnancy with his/her big brother. 

With Kai's pregnancy, I kept a journal of sorts in a Belly Book. But I wasn't consistent at writing my thoughts in it. So it became one of my regrets in my firstborn's pregnancy. I was just too lazy to religiously record every OB visit, every belly shots, every experience. I took them all for granted, thinking that I would have more fun documenting his grown up years than his life in utero. But I was terribly wrong. Now I wish I would have jotted down the details and even the small moments about my pregnancy with him.

So I resolved that I would record my pregnancy with his little sibling, documenting every detail and experience as best as I could. So I have something to look back on if he comes to stay with us, alive and healthy or if he leaves to join his big brother. I find it not unnerving to write the 'ifs' and the latter words. It's like a natural thing to say for me now because in this community we are all too familiar with the reality that being pregnant doesn't mean a baby in the end. 

I'm trying not to let this reality overcome me all the time. Every so often, I let a little bit of hope and joy to come into my being so I could enjoy this pregnancy and celebrate the new life growing within me. This little one deserves to have a not-too-crazy and not-so-fearful mother. And I'm trying the best I could to do that. 

So I invite you to share in my journey even if I'm more than halfway through this pregnancy by taking a peek at my other blog: Moored By Love. I've decided to turn it public now so you can read all about how I kept sane in this definitely nerve-racking, fearful, crazy journey after loss. Again, I'm sorry if it took me a while to gather up the courage to come out of the pregnancy closet. I shared the news not because I'm confident that all will turn out well, on the contrary, I shared the news because I need all the support and good vibes I can get to help me through the last three months of this pregnancy. And of course, to give back what you shared with me on your own journeys, whether TTC or rainbow pregnancies, by imparting my own journey (this time around) with you.

On a separate note: I'm so glad to know some of the BLMs I've been following through their blogs are expecting their rainbows this year. It brought me tears reading about such good news. These are well-deserved gifts, indeed, after going through such tremendous and devastating losses. May our angel babies continue to watch over us and their little siblings.