Every Sixteenth (25 months)

The sixteenth of the month will always be Kai's day for me. It will perpetually be on any calendar I own. My iCal and google calendar's every sixteenth are marked automatically. It's the first entry I see when the month changes into another.

I know I don't need a reminder when my son died and was born. That sort of thing is permanently engraved in my heart and soul, but I have this need to have something visible to connect my ongoing history with my firstborn son. By doing so, I create an extension of his existence. That time, for him, didn't stop on June 16th, 2010.  'Normal' people would probably think this is dwelling in the past but I'd like to think that every sixteenth marks one of the most significant events in my life - the affirmation that my firstborn was once here and his short life mattered.

On this day, I came across a poem from another BLM's blog that brought on my tears. The halcyon has calmed the sea of grief within me, yet once in while the sea heaves and shudders, bringing with it that familiar pain of my loss and longing. On days like this, the sixteenth, I know that when my heart calls out for Kai, his spirit will momentarily be with me like an invisible sea mist, cooling the sadness away.

Oh Mother, My Mother

By Theresa Cochrane 

I touch your tears,
invisible fingers soothing your skin
I know you think of me so often
in the day, in the night, in your dreams
going into an empty nursery
knowing I'll never be there
but I am...in your heart, in your soul,
I shall always be
for you gave so unselfishly of yourself
Inside of you, you created
such a world for me
a world of laughter, of love
of sadness, of sorrow
every emotion people come to know
you shared with me.
And even though I may never feel your arms around me
I felt your heart beating,
like a lullaby, singing me to sleep.
and your spirit giving me a safe haven
already protecting me, nurturing me
preparing me for things to come
But sometimes the journey of life pulls souls apart
and yes, I had to go on to another place.
I wish I could stay
I wish this was a decision I could make
and I know you do too.
Know this, wherever you are:
I will always remember
that yours was the first love
the first joy, the first soul
I will ever know
you gave me the courage to
go on in my journey
I hope I can do the same for you
Your heart beat will always call me to you.

Love, your child.