22 Months

Kai's name in Bodega, CA. This is the St. Teresa of Avila Church. Right beside the street where Alfred Hitchcock filmed one of his movies, "The Birds." Nothing to do with Kai's day but I figured I should include an interesting tidbit on here.

I haven't been a regular churchgoer for years. As a non-practicing Catholic, I attend mass on and off. Sometimes, only on special occasions - Christmas eve, Easter Sunday, specific masses offered for Kai. I've been disheartened by organized religion for so long that I've lost any inkling to actively be a part of the flock, or any flock for that matter.

When Kai died, I asked our midwife, "Is God punishing us?" At that time, I needed to make sense of what happened, to find someone or something to blame. Of course, that was the-little-faith-in-God- that-I-have thinking and talking. I needed to be angry with something incomprehensible and intangible so that I could carry the tremendous pain of Kai's death. I needed to blame God.

And for a time, I was angry. I shook my fist at heaven as I wail and rip my clothes in sheer despair and utter sadness. "Why did you allow this to happen?" "Why our son?" "Why us?" I asked all the why questions, knowing there were simply no answers to them. It was like being left to 'cry-it-out' until I realize for myself that no answers were forthcoming and that I should just accept that my firstborn is dead and no amount of wailing and asking would bring him back.

I haven't come to a point where I fully accept Kai's death. Right now, there's only a certain degree of acceptance in me. Sort of like conceding defeat. There was nothing I could do then and there is nothing I could do now. It's not really a comforting thought but I'm hoping that one day I can learn to accept my firstborn son's death with grace and gratitude in my heart.

My dearest Kai, You are not gone for good. Mommy believes that with all her heart and soul. One day, dear one, we'll be able to embrace each other and make up for the time we lost. I love you with all my heart.